I knew today was going to come one of these days. It was inevidetable. I just had to sit back and wait. Here it is. It's October 19th. Today is my sister's 17th birthday! But it's also what would of been the due date of our 2nd baby.
I am at peace as to what happened and I do understand that it just wasn't ment to be. But at the same time I am sad at knowing I lost the baby. I realize I was only 14.5 weeks along and for most people, that isn't far. But when the actual act of loosing the baby happened, I saw the baby. It was still connected to me. I knew when it happened that I was looking at my baby. I tried to be so strong. What was done was done. It couldn't be fixed.
But just the same. I'm sad. Part of me wishes I would of picked up and held the baby. I kind of wish I would of asked what the sex was. I'm even more upset (now more so than before) that I didn't get any kind of greif counceling or ANY sort of help from the hospital. I feel like I was cheated out of something. They just put the baby in a bag and sent me to have my D&C.
I'm sad. I'm angry and I'm hurt. What makes it worse is that next Friday will be the 6 month anniversary from when I lost the baby. It's rough. It really sucks. I thought I was better, but I know deep in my heart, it still hurts.
So today, I'm thinking about my long lost angel. I know my angel has gone to be with God but I hope my angel knows how much I'm thinking about them.