Sunday, October 19, 2008

Feeling sad.

I knew today was going to come one of these days. It was inevidetable. I just had to sit back and wait. Here it is. It's October 19th. Today is my sister's 17th birthday! But it's also what would of been the due date of our 2nd baby.

I am at peace as to what happened and I do understand that it just wasn't ment to be. But at the same time I am sad at knowing I lost the baby. I realize I was only 14.5 weeks along and for most people, that isn't far. But when the actual act of loosing the baby happened, I saw the baby. It was still connected to me. I knew when it happened that I was looking at my baby. I tried to be so strong. What was done was done. It couldn't be fixed.

But just the same. I'm sad. Part of me wishes I would of picked up and held the baby. I kind of wish I would of asked what the sex was. I'm even more upset (now more so than before) that I didn't get any kind of greif counceling or ANY sort of help from the hospital. I feel like I was cheated out of something. They just put the baby in a bag and sent me to have my D&C.

Yikes.

I'm sad. I'm angry and I'm hurt. What makes it worse is that next Friday will be the 6 month anniversary from when I lost the baby. It's rough. It really sucks. I thought I was better, but I know deep in my heart, it still hurts.

So today, I'm thinking about my long lost angel. I know my angel has gone to be with God but I hope my angel knows how much I'm thinking about them.


















~danielle~

4 comments:

Em said...

Words can not make it better. Nothing can, after Lily passed away we didn't think our lives would ever go back they way they were before, and you know what they don't...you now have an angel looking over you everyday. I know this doesn't make it easier because you wished that baby were here with you but not many people can say they saw their angel!!! After just having a lose myself I know what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you everyday!

Jim "O" said...

Hang in there. It's tough and there's not much anyone can say to make you feel better. Just know that Emily and I know what you are going through. Hopefully with each day, things will get better.

Ninibi said...

Oh oof. :( I didn't see this till today & I'm so very sorry.

Don't think about what you think you should have done - what you did was right for you where you were at the time.

Hugs to you, Dani, I'm regifting. ;)

Renna said...

Danielle, I found your blog through your adding me to your friend's list at Ravelry.

I just read about your miscarriage, and my heart hurts for you. I've never experienced that pain, but I have experienced the love a mother has for her child, and I'm sure that love you had for your little babe that was lost was just as great as any mother's love could be.

I will pray for you as you come to my mind, that your broken heart will be mended, and your grief will be lessened. (((hug)))